Created for bond: changes that cure part II

Failure to develop relationships

Emotional ties have a dramatic effect on our well-being. When one does not develop relationships or ties with others, it affects and can often affect their ability to avoid or recover from a variety of physical, but emotional, evils. When they learn to unite and rely on others, they begin to develop not only emotionally but also psychologically. Thus, its ability to bind to others … to get close together, often going forward with home life.

When a child is distressed, it can show unusual signs such as increased pulse, increased or worked breathing, helplessness and hopelessness, and can be easily annoyed. These signs are often seen when the biological parent remarries and the child tends to believe that he must compete with the parent for the care of biological parents.

When the adoptive or step son adopts the situation with food, physical contact, compassion and other help, the child learns that their parents can meet their needs. Then the child is more active and is able to respond to stimulation such as playing. When the child is happy, he is able to sleep and feel comfortable in his surroundings.

According to Deborah Gray, author of Attaching in Adoption, "attachment is a relationship formed primarily with family members and requires more time and interaction to be created. The attached file is referred to by most adoptive parents when They talk about linking with the child. Adopted children of all ages can be linked to their birth family, although the relationship is neglected or abusive. Many adoption experts agree that if a child can form a parent's attachment And to welcome them, you will have the abilities to join her. Foster family too. "

Signposting of a secure attachment

The process of parental attachment can take many weeks or years to develop completely and, in some cases, there may be perverse apprehension disorders for which professional therapy will be required. A strong indicator of the possibility of having an affair is the comfort with which the parent or the parent is able to recognize the needs of the child. It is important to remember that repeating parents with children's needs is the foundation of forming a safe attachment with children of all ages, not just with babies.

The hitch link forms the brain of a baby

The bonding link is the term of our first interactive love relationship, which we had with our primary caregivers, that is, with our mothers. The mother-child link is essential to shape the baby's brain. This important attachment deeply influences our self-esteem, our expectations of others and our ability to attract and maintain relationships of success. So, the success or failure of our first love – the bond of bondage – has an effect of life.

Our secure attachment configures our capabilities to:

  • to feel safe
  • Develop meaningful connections with others
  • explore our world
  • cope with stress
  • balance emotions
  • experience comfort and security
  • give meaning to our lives
  • create positive memories and expectations of relationships

The attachments are as unique as us. Primary caregivers should not be perfect. They should not always agree with their babies & # 39; Emotions, but help if they are emotionally available most of the time.

We were born with an innate or pre-programmed link need with a very significant person: our primary caretaker, usually our mother. Like all the babies, you were a small group of unleashed emotions, who experienced intensely fear, anger, sadness and joy, often at the same time. The natural emotional ties that grew between you and your caregiver were the first interactive relationship of your life and depended on non-verbal communication. Therefore, the link you have experienced in this relationship determined how you will interact with other people throughout your life. This link relationship established the basics of any verbal and non-verbal communication in your future relationships.

For better or worse, the coupling link deeply affects the child's brain. It is a first loving relationship for babies. When the main caregiver can manage personal stress, calm the baby, communicate through emotion, share happiness and forgive easily, the nervous system of the young child is "well-tied." The fundamental basis of a secure hitch link allows the child to trust himself, trusting, hopeful and comfortable in the face of the conflict. As an adult, it will be flexible, creative, hopeful and optimistic.

People who fail to establish this type of linking relationship often experience confused emotional communications, frightening or broken during their childhood and often they become adults who have difficulties in understanding their own emotions and the feelings of others. This hinders your ability to establish, build, and / or maintain attachments that lead to successful relationships.

What is the attachment?

The attached file is the relationship between babies and their primary carers: it is responsible for:

  • configuring the success or failure of future intimate relationships
  • the ability to maintain a normal emotional balance
  • the ability to enjoy ourselves and find satisfaction to be with others
  • The ability to bounce successfully from various disappointments, discouragement and misfortune

Many scientific studies on the brain – and the main role the patient has in their model – have given us a new base to understand why a large number of people have great difficulties in communicating with the most important people in the world. his life and love. Once, we could only use convictions to try to determine why important relationships never evolved, nor did they develop chronic problems or break down. Now, thanks to the new visions about brain development, we can understand What you need to help build and nourish significant and productive relationships at home and at work.

What is he attached link ?

According to the document, the mother-child link is the main force in the development of the baby theory of attachments a pioneer for English psychiatrist John Bowlby and American psychologist Mary Ainsworth. The theory has gained strength through global scientific studies and the use of brain imaging technology.

The theory of attachments establishes that the relationship between infants and primary caregivers is responsible for:

  • configuring all our future relationships
  • Strengthening or damaging our ability to focus, be aware of our feelings and calm us
  • The ability to bounce misfortune

The scientific research reveals the interactions between babies and adults that have resulted in a success, for sure The attachment, where both people are aware of other feelings and emotions, is the precursor necessary to have successful relationships. These studies also reveal problems, or insecure Affection, in which communication of feelings fails, leading to an inability to form the necessary link to establish a solid relationship. The researchers found that to be successful adult Relationships must exist in us and we must depend on the ability to:

  • manage stress
  • stay "attentive" with emotions
  • use communicative body language
  • Be playful in a way that they are accomplished
  • forgive easily, give up scales

The same research also found that when one insecure There is some type of mistreatment caused by attachment, but it is the same as probably caused by isolation or loneliness. These recent discoveries offer a new vision of successful love relationships. Taking these observations into account often provides the keys to identifying and repairing a loving relationship that is narrowing or drowning.

Unsafe affection affects adult relationships

Insecurity can be a significant problem in all our lives and it is usually rooted when the bond of a baby's affection does not provide the child with sufficient structure, recognition, understanding, security and mutual agreement. These insecurities can lead us to:

  • Adjust and deactivate -Many times, if our ancestor is not available and absorbed, we can lose ourselves, as children, in our own inner world, we become introverted, avoiding narrow emotional connections. This often causes adults to move away physically and emotionally into relationships.
  • It remains unsafe -If we have inconsistent or intrusive parents, it is more than likely that we become unreal and anxious and fearful, never knowing what to expect. Then, as adults, we can be available again for a moment and totally reject the following.
  • It becomes disorganized, aggressive and angry -When our first needs for proximity and emotional comfort are abandoned or when erratic behavior of parents is a source of disorienting terror, there will surely be emotional problems. As we grow in adults, we may lack the ability to love easily and, unknowingly, is insensitive to the needs of our partner.
  • Slowly develop Problems often occur when they do not develop as quickly as we should, both emotionally and intellectually. These developmental delays often manifest themselves in the form of deficits and often lead to subsequent physical and mental health problems, and generally lead to social and learning disabilities.

Lessons learned from our attached link

There are many powerful lessons that change life, which we learn from our bond of attachment: our first love relationship continues to teach us as adults. The intestinal knowledge that we have obtained from this link guides us to improve relationships between adults and make them safe.

Lesson no. 1-All adult relationships depend on nonverbal forms of communication to succeed. These abilities of nonverbal communication are learned from childhood. Newborns can not speak, reason or plan; Still, they are equipped to make sure your needs are met. Babies do not know what they need, they feel what they need and they communicate accordingly. When a baby communicates with a caregiver who understands and meets his physical and emotional needs, an affection takes place and the force of this attachment influences other later life relationships.

Lesson no. 2: The relationships in which the parties are tuned among them are called tuned relationships, and the mutually agreed relationships teach us that:

  • Non-verbal indications deeply affect our love relationships
  • While we play, it helps us smooth out the turbulent times we endure in love relationships
  • Unavoidable conflicts can create relationships of trust if we approach them without fear or without punishing or reprisal

When we can recognize knee the memories, perceive expectations, inappropriate attitudes, unfounded hypotheses and inappropriate behaviors as derived problems unsecured bonding, We can exclude its influence and its effect on our adult relationships. This recognition allows us to reconstruct easily healthy Non-verbal communication skills that produce in the end hook attached and relationship of success.

Become an adult orientation and relationships

As we grow older, we mostly take with us the ideas and communication lessons we have learned since our childhood. If these are good or bad depends on our ability to not only see life from our perspective, but also have the ability and willingness to see things from the point of view of the other person. When we are able to do it, we are in a more astute position to deal with situations and circumstances that are adverse to us.

As we go through the stage of the life of adolescence we are disagree not only with others but also with ourselves. We want to be an adult with all their rights and privileges before we can become one, but at the same time we want to abdicate the responsibility that this station has in life. It is time to take your own decisions and take authority over your own life, but you are still there. You must learn to keep control of your impulsivity and your inhibitions. You must be able to re-evaluate your beliefs in an objective way, see your parents and their authority figures in a realistic way, recognize and pursue your talents and goals given by God and be willing to assume your ultimate responsibility for you they themselves Finally, you must be able to accept and appreciate people who are different.

This ability helps us to accept good and bad because we are able to cope with situations in a mature way. When we do this, we position ourselves in a position of strength and translate into a correct assessment of ourselves. Thus, we manage to overcome some of the most persistent problems we face every day, since now we can not only see black and white things, but also in the various shades of gray. As such, we can make mistakes in the mistakes of our peoples and other peoples.

At this moment, we realize that everything that makes life does not have to follow our path to be happy. We have a new perspective on ourselves, others and God as a result of our change of thinking. Then we are able to deal with mercy, with grace, with the understanding that we also make mistakes. When we enter into the field of tolerance and forgiveness, we can love others without being perfect.

But, in order to achieve the task and the responsibility to grow, we also have the responsibility to take responsibility and be responsible for the things that have entrusted us. These things include our attitude, language and actions. While we continue to grow in height and wisdom, the level of maturity of our lives should also increase proportionally.

Differences between men and women

Based on my experience in dealing with women (my mother, my children, my sisters, seven sisters and a lot of friends and associates), I see that most women are generally oriented toward existing friendships, while that men were more interested in meeting new people and finding people who had similar interests, that is, men would prefer the arrival of new people instead of building their existing relationships.

These results contribute to the increasing research on social capital, the creation of networks and demonstrate the importance of examining specific interactive applications. The importance of distinguishing strong ties with the weak plays a fundamental role in the establishment of new relationships. It is also important to consider the importance of taking gender differences into account in the patterns of social interaction. While, women increase their share capital as a result of the use of these sites, but men do not. Women, on the other hand, show a diminution of the social capital bond with people who are outside their area of ‚Äč‚Äčnormal influence.

The fear of incorporating emotional intimacy into these associations / relationships is mainly due to fear of rejection and encouragement: a fear of losing the other and / or losing. To overcome this obstacle you must be able to establish an inner link with yourselves. Internal bonding is a transformative process to cure the fear of ideas related to privacy that have been derived from past experiences.

The mental visualization of these experiences often causes us to fall into a state of emotional security that hinders our ability to openly tolerate the inconsistencies that we see in others. As a result, we ourselves move to a protective state and, therefore, unable to cope with the negative feelings we will experience invariably. This barrier can prevent us from solving problems that, in reality, are not problems.

Adolescence imadurization

The struggles with identity and depression of adolescence usually settle down when an adolescent experiences a loss. The most important loss of your life is the changing relationship between the teenager and his parents. Teens can also experience conflicts in their relationships with friends. This may be due to the activities in which your friends participate, such as smoking, which makes teens feel as if participating in activities of these activities is probably essential to keep these friends. Sometimes, adolescent depression can be extremely intense due to physical and hormonal changes, but emotional instability is part of adolescence. Change, mind, body and relationships often appear as stressors and, according to this, they represent a change.

Your experiences in life help you to mature. Maturity develops when you know that you have no one to blame the past, but about your circumstances and immaturity. Often, your immatureness prevented you from having an adequate perspective of the facts and seeing things as they were. This made others blame for your sufferings. It is possible that you have created and increased your suffering without realizing the facts and circumstances and making an easy way out, keeping the others responsible for it.

You feel that you are always at the end of receipt of all errors or misperceptions due to immaturity. However, life has a good deal of repeating memories and after a few years it recreates the same circumstances, but this time it puts you on the opposite side (ending), you have no choice but to accept the fact that you are so immature. They have grown over the years. As you mature, life makes you see your age & # 39; In another person, now in these circumstances, you know that the other person still has to wait years before to grow up and realize these facts.

Maturity slowly drives wisdom when you know that it is only you who have to stand up and take responsibility for their past: action / inaction, sufferings / failures instead of being responsible for others. It is really said that you create your own happiness. By blaming others and sustaining scales, happiness is at stake and it is allowed to hate and self-compassion. However, with time and wisdom when you accept responsibility for your sufferings and embrace all your successes without pride, you are really happy.

Divorce and its effects on maturity

The children of divorced parents usually bitterly promote failure to repeat the same mistakes. They want to avoid putting themselves and their own children through the pain that comes from the dissolution of a marriage. But, according to researcher at the University of Utah, Nicholas H. Wolfinger, these aspirations for children have unfavorable odds. "Growing up in a divorced family greatly increases the chances of ending their own marriage, a phenomenon called the divorce cycle or the intergenerational transmission of divorce." Dr. Wolfinger has spent almost a decade studying the marriages of children from divorced houses in America. These children are more likely to marry during their adolescence, to cohabit and marry someone who is also the child of divorced parents. And they also have a third less chance of getting married if they are older than 20 years.

"Understanding the divorce cycle: the children of divorce in their own marriages," by Wolfinger, published by Cambridge University Press, contains important information for those interested in divorce and their repercussions. "Divorce is an important issue because it has so many consequences for welfare," writes Wolfinger,

"Their transmission between generations adds a completely new dimension perpetuating the divorce cycle. In short, the divorce cycle can be thought of as a cascade. Finishing the marriage begins a cycle that threatens to affect an increasing number of people with The passage of time. Thoughts stand out in a time when half of all new marriages fail. "His research also suggests that if a spouse comes from divorced parents, the couple may be twice as likely to divorce. Spouses who are children of divorced parents are three times more likely to divorce couples coming from intact families.

In addition to observing the civil stability of the offspring of divorced couples, the book by Wolfinger & # 39; s offers another perspective on how parental divorce affects marriage time, marriage selection, cohabitation relationships and the historical tendencies of the divorce cycle. Wolfinger also explores the divorce reform movement in America and argues in favor of divorce laws without guilt, arguing that returning to an age of harsh divorce laws would recreate social conditions that would make divorce difficult for children.

My opinion, taking into account everything written on this subject, is that one of the reasons that children from divorced families divorce more frequently is because they tend to marry adolescents. Social history shows that the greater you are when you get married, the less likely you have to divorce. It is a good advice for everyone. "

On the other hand, the more transitions the children experience while they grow older, the more adults will experience. Given this, the question that should be asked is: "What is more difficult for children is how many interruptions they experience: cycles up and down.

This is a valid question because many children will have sibling parents, and some will see that their new families will be dissolved. This type of disruption occurs at any time lost by a parent, except death. This is not different and does not have the same negative effects on children … while divorce is ambiguous. The children ask themselves if the divorce was their fault or who is to blame. I wonder what's coming back? & # 39; "It is without a doubt good news that people are less likely to remain in marriages with higher conflicts than before. However," ending a marriage with low conflicts can harm children as much as staying in a high conflict family " , and the probability of Divorce transmission is actually higher if parents dissolve a marriage after little or no conflict, therefore, we should assess the effects that divorce will have on our children and their emotional well-being should to decide to travel this road.

But before making this decision, we should sincerely examine ourselves and the motivating things that move us in this direction. This inventory, if a prayer is made, will allow us to see more clearly the point of view of other people and make the necessary adjustments, if any, to solve the problems that precipitated the situation. If we are really willing to continue the relationship, we must take the necessary measures to solve the problems of what is good or bad, first considering what we could have done to alleviate the problem instead of blaming them. When we allow the power of forgiveness to flow into us, we can not only confront the past and the present, but also the future, as the ties are cemented.

Gray, Deborah . Adjunct to adoption: Practical tools for parents today and # 39; s. Indiana: Perspectives Press Inc., 2002.